ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
