i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
