I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Sober January is a disaster.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
