just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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