my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
