the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
