first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
