Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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