i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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