Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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