I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
