My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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