I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
