im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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