She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
