you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
