i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
