He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
All the doctor said was why
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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