I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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