please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She's the barista slut.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
