I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Barsexuality is the new black.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
