and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize