You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Randomize
