We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
