i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Randomize
