U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
