it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
