Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
