I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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