Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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