Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
