This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
