Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
