Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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