Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize