I'm lost and stupid without you.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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