Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
