Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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