don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize