even my farts smell like vagina
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
