I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
