awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just want nice things and good sex
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
