I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
