i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
