Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize