I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
