don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
