I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
