It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
