My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
