I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
