You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
