i just wanna soil my oats bro
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
