he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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