You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
