3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize