to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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