I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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