Just cropdusted the office
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
it's like iHOP with fire
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
